Depression (2026-05-03)

Kovacsics Robert

(I should say I’m safe, just lonely.)

No idea for whom, what or even why. Maybe for someone to feel less alone. But for me oestrogen has helped be less depressed on average. Not this week. It has been a lot, without anything specific being much. Work went okay, if I were to recall other things besides work I’m sure they went okay too.

But I felt unable to connect to others or even myself, which is a big ongoing problem for me. I have tried a lot of what life has on offer and it seems like programming is the only thing marginally enjoyable, but sometimes I get tired and burnt out from it.

I haven’t been able to make much progress with work this bank holiday weekend, due to not being in the office, nor have I made any progress with the other tangential bits such as Comms-CCF, LockFS or writing a param store.

I haven’t even touched interactive bootstraps (haven’t for a long while), made any progress on a talk for work, or anything else.

I’m just running on empty, waiting for something1. If you feel like reaching out, please do (you can find my email on github). Though I likely won’t reply, I’m terrible at emails. Or comms/social, which is the issue. So I shall sleep until I don’t feel like this.

  1. Telling myself it’s not death, but what else is there?

    Why do people fear stopping existing? It is my solace. I can’t wait to not exist. In fact, if I could, I would chose to never have existed in the first place.

    To me, not having the option to never have existed (or not being able to decide if you want to exist or not before you do [I am aware of the contradiction]) implies either that existing is just a means to torture people, or that there is no reason for existence.

    If we imagine a classical earth/good place/bad place scenario, then I would argue we also ought to admit the possibility to undo one’s existence, thereby removing any bad actions one would have done. And this would also include any good actions (and neutral actions) of course, but it would create the opportunity for someone else to fill that gap, and perhaps do the good actions without any of the bad ones.

    But here I still stand.

    So either there is no way to have any good I can do without the suffering I experience, and I am here to create suffering for myself and others, or there is no one I could appeal to.

    Assuming of course that it would be fair to ask to not play in the first place. ↩︎